Today was Sam’s first OT appointment. As I mentioned yesterday, I was a bit anxious. I even found myself waking up a number of times during the night. Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW that Sam is OK. He is developing beautifully. He is smart. He is funny. He has so much personality its a little sick. But still, I was worried. My mind was racing with a bunch of what ifs. What if this was the start of something? What if all of Sam’s issue were now going to start showing up. What if he was going to have huge challenges ahead.
None of this was rational – I know.
And yet – there I was at 3 am running through all these what ifs in my head. I have been strong for a long time now. While I lay in trendelenberg trying to hold Sam in, I stayed strong and positive. For 95 days, as I sat in the NICU watching over my son, I stayed positive. For the past 20(ish) months, as Sam has blossomed, I have stayed positive. I call my son the Anti-Preemie for goodness sake! Even with all that positivity, lurking in the background is fear and anxiety. I am terrified that at some point something is going to happen to remind me that I really did give birth to a 24 weeker.
So, yesterday, I channeled all of that fear and anxiety into this one little OT appointment.
I am here to tell you…. it went great. Yes, Sam needs some help with his fine motor skills. As the OT put it, he is very aware of what he wants and needs to do, but just not quite able to do it. She also told me, that if Sam were not a preemie, these delays would not be noticed or concerning. In fact, they would just be viewed as normal “every baby develops differently” delays.
But, Sam is a former preemie. Because of that, we are evaluated often. So, for the next 12 weeks, we will go to OT and work on Sam’s fine motor skills. I was given the option of not bringing him back, but now that OT is no longer scary, my only thought is why wouldn’t I?
I have to tell you, I keep reminding the other NICU moms how lucky we are. There are so many kids who have delays that go unnoticed because they were full term. Our babies are given every chance to thrive because they are so well evaluated.
Sam will do awesome. I believe in him. After all, he is the original Anti-Preemie, bearer of the ultimate preemie powers.
Hugs.
Thanks Nicole. I look forward to sharing Sam’s title with you and Kenna one day very soon!
Hi Melissa! I’m coming your way after reading your post about PTSD on Yahoo. I tried to leave a comment over there, but after trying to register etc, I gave up, and thought I’d leave my comment over here instead! Sam is gorgeous! “This really struck a cord with me, Melissa. My girl was a 25 weeker and she’s 11 now. It was a couple of years ago, with the swine flu outbreak, that I realized how badly I was still suffering from PTSD. I saw a newspaper with a photo of a hypodermic needle in the super market and my knees buckled. At that moment I decided I couldn’t continue to live that way and sought help. It was EMDR therapy that broke the cycle for me. Thanks so much for your bravery in sharing your story. It will surely help others.” Thanks!
Hi Kasey! I’m glad you liked the post on Shine. Writing that post has been a truly moving experience for me. Not only was it a great release for me, but the support I have gotten has been great. More than that, I have been especially moved by all of the stories people have been sharing about their own experiences. Just getting people talking about PTSD is a first step to bringing it out of the shadows. I am glad you found your way to my site. You have written some pretty amazing things yourself. I can’t imagine how different your experiences with a 25 weeker were 11 years ago. I love seeing how happy and healthy she is now! I look forward to reading your blog – and watching you on “The Shine!”. (ps. It’s nice to hear someone unbiased calling Sam gorgeous!)
He IS gorgeous and I’m so glad we connected and most importantly, the wonderful connections you and others are making from your blog post! Hooray!! XO