You would think, with all I have been through, that by now I would be an expert at asking people for help. Or at least accepting help when it is offered to me.
The reality is, I am terrible at both. I hate leaning on people. I hate needing help. I feel guilty every time I accept help.
This past week, I have had the opportunity once again to see how bad I am at this. I threw my back out on Monday and needed people to help me with everything. I needed someone to drive me to the ER at 9PM. I needed someone to be in the house with the kids. I needed someone to sit with me in the ER until they doped me up enough that I could walk to the car. I needed someone help me make the kids lunches the next day. I needed help driving the kids to school. I needed help picking the kids up from school. I needed help bathing the kids and getting them to bed. Hell – I needed help getting myself breakfast and lunch… and prescriptions.
And that is just half of what I have needed help with.
I am lucky to have good friend and amazing parents how live close by. I have not lacked for people to help me.
What I have lacked were the words “I need help”.
In all of this, I only asked for help when my back first went out. Of course, when my dad asked if I needed to go to the ER, I said I didn’t know. In reality, I knew. I just didn’t want to burden him by saying yes. Once my parents were here and they saw the pain on my face, I still told them I wasn’t sure I should go to the hospital.
When I broke down in tears trying to change into leggings from the jeans I was wearing, I still didn’t ask for help or to go to the hospital. It wasn’t until my mom gave me that look only a mother can give and said “You are GOING to the ER” did I finally agree.
Now, four days later, I am still not asking for or gracefully accepting the help that my parents have selflessly been giving me.
And now I find myself asking why. Why am I so unable to accept help?
I am a proud and independent person. I often think of myself as someone who can do everything – no matter what. I hate the feeling of failure when I realize that I can’t do everything.
This is something I am working on – but obviously… I have a very long way to go.
Oh… and Mom and Dad… since I know you are reading this… you are the BEST. I do not know how I would have gotten through the past few days without your assistance… ok… the past few years without your assistance. I am so damn lucky to have you guys in my life.